You might be thinking this is going to be about the hard grind of a 16 week contest diet; one filled with nothing but tilapia and broccoli, or the countless hours spent on the step mill that is making you nauseous because your poor brain hasn’t eaten a carb in nearly 10 days. Or maybe this article is going to be about the use of anabolic steroids, because after all, that’s going over to ‘the dark side.’ Should I or shouldn’t I use drugs to fulfill my dreams? Let me tell you something about the dark side—it ain’t so dark over there. In fact, everyone I know over on the dark side prefers it over the sunny side.
So what’s so rough about being a bodybuilder? For starters, I have cracked more toilet seats in my life than I care to admit. For a while I got so tired of buying new ones that I gave in and duct taped the seat. Of course, that all ended when I became somewhat civilized and moved in with my girlfriend. And speaking of breaking stuff—weighing over 270lb since 2001, when I visit my parents I’m not allowed to sit on some of their furniture. I’m literally stuck in the same spot in the living room for 3 days.
Some bodybuilders don’t have my next issue, but it is truly a pain in the ass—and I’m not talking about a 23 gauge needle. I sweat 24 hours a day. It can be middle of January and 40 degrees outside and I’ll have to change shirts 3 or 4 times a day. It’s horrendous if you’re out at a nice dinner, because I know there’s going to be a sweat stain on my back. Naturally, this problem is my own because living in Florida doesn’t help me out too much, but even Dave Palumbo living in New York would do his MD interviews at 265lb out in the freezing temps wearing nothing but a tank top, jeans, and pair of Otomix workout shoes. Dave says he shrunk in size to be more comfortable on airplanes, I’m guessing the profuse sweating played a part too.
Since I brought up having to change shirts I might as well say that it’s damn near impossible to find clothes that fit. Women think they have a problem; try being a bodybuilder for a day. You almost need to buy a 42’’ waist for jeans or slacks to make room for your quads and hams. Dress shirts? Forget about it. My neck button might as well be a noose. Even t-shirts are a pain in the ass. Anything over a 2xl is made for fat guys not broad shouldered v-tapered bodybuilders. Now you see why Toney Freeman wears a skin tight Under Armour at all of his expo interviews – combats sweat and takes care of the uncomfortable shirt issues.
And you wouldn’t be a bodybuilder without the constant attention and random comments from people. Some of it’s good, but most of it’s bad. The majority of girls think it’s gross, but fuck them; they’re probably fatter than an off season Lee Priest anyway. And the dudes, they think it’s all juice. You hear it all the time, “I could look like that if I took as much shit as he does.” No, you couldn’t. Nuff said. The comments literally come from everyone: the lady at the grocery store who rings up my 3 dozen eggs for half the week; the homeless guy at the gas station asking me for change who can never seem to remember how much I bench even though he asks me every other week; even my old friends who swear I look different since the last time I saw them. And for the love of God, no, I don’t want to fight anyone, help you move your furniture and please stop asking me if I want to arm wrestle. It didn’t work out too well for Vic and I’ve always been one to learn from others mistakes. And just for good measure, there’s the tedious job of shaving your body. There’s a lot of real estate on a bodybuilder. You better pray you have a wife, girlfriend, or really close guy friend who will get your back. Otherwise you’ll be stuck using the Mangroomer.
So, you still think you want to be a bodybuilder? Yeah, me too, I love this life!
