Supplement Store Sit-Com
I figured most people would
go the traditional route and write scientific articles. I thought I would come from a more humorous parody angle to give a little variation. Maybe a little risqué for mainstream reading but it was fun to write ;) and I'm sure some of the more immature among us will find it entertaining.
Diary of a supplement store (part 1)
Working for an online supplement retailer provides far more entertainment than you might think. I love helping people with plans regarding their nutrition/training. Aside from a seeing a good pair of double D's hit full pace on the Stairmaster, discussing the intricacies of physical development is what really gets me off these days.
But for sheer comic value there is no better part of the day than when it comes to manning the metaphorical zoo that is the retail store. Seeing the consumers of our industry face to face can be like watching a Walt Disney movie, there are so many larger than life characters! I'll introduce you to them from the perspective of us guys behind the counter.
Let's meet the cast!
The Walking lat spread
You can spot this guy a mile away; He walks in the store like he's carrying rolls of carpet under his arms. He seems to be under the impression that if you're impressed with his width you'll knock $20 off his supplement stack and the female sales staff will fall at his feet. Naturally he never comes in with either friends or a girlfriend.
Identifying quote: "(grunt)"
Golden Era Guy
The "Abe Simpson" of the bodybuilding world. Browsing the amino acid section (because it's the closest thing to old Liver tablets he can find). Before you can even finish saying "How can I hel......" he's chewed your ear off about high volume training, what drugs were available in the 60's, that time he saw Arnold Schwarzenegger when he still had calves like golf putter's, etc. etc. (for 3 hours). Strangely though, I find myself interested in what this guy has to say. Something I respect about the physiques and camaraderie of the golden era. And I respect his opinion......until he mentions that my degree in nutrition means nothing, and elite bodybuilding nutrition is a simple as drinking full fat milk and beer!
Identifying quote: "Please, can you call an ambulance; I think my liver just packed in!" (Later scans would reveal his liver is pretty much a glorified prune from enormous use of orals when was in his 30's).
The Self Appointed “GURU”
What a joke this term has become recently, it seems everyman and his juiced up dog is a 'guru' of some sort these days. Even the very word makes us laugh here. Usually it's a guy who lucked out with genetics. He doesn't have a clue, but because he stays in decent shape year round and recommends them a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s a day, the more gullible gym members think "Damn, this guy knows what the FUCK he's doing!"
And he's more than happy to take advan
tage of their gullibility to the tone of $250 a month. Stay away from this guy when he comes in the store, he will eat up hours of your time asking you the most basic questions about nutrition, just so he can pass the information onto his "clients" and try justifying his absurd price tag. Douche probably won't even buy anything after either!
Identifying quote: "So explain to me, what is this creatine stuff everyone is talking about these days"
The Cross Fit Enthusiast
He walks in wearing the latest cooltex sports outfit he recently purchased, expensive sports footwear and a heart rate monitor for a watch. The conversation goes as follows.
Him: "Hello there, I'm looking for a supplement to help me get big. I train really hardcore!"
Me: Great, so what kind of training are you doing at the moment?
Him: "Cross Fit"
Me: (emotionless expression) "get the fuck out"
Single MILF Buying For Her Son
Happy to talk to her for a long time about what would be best for her 96lb , 17 ye
ar old to put some weight on. The recommendation is really irrelevant in the end because hopefully you will find a way to get her number, bang her and then get the fuck out before the son realizes he's just been supplementing with baking soda for 2 months! .......What......I aint no baby daddy!
Identifying quote: "BEEEEEP (message tone) Hey there Cray, I just thought I would leave this message, we had a really nice time the other week at my place, shame you had to rush off to help your gran with her groceries first thing in the morning, but I can't seem to contact you lately. The address you said you lived at of Number 5, 1st street was a Chinese takeaway!? Please call me back on #555....."
The Gullible Youth!
Never seen alone, the ever common local youths seem to come in horde's of anywhere from 5 to 10 individuals at a time. Nature theorists believe they are incapable of doing anything unless in a pack, possibly for protection from predators. Usually in their early teens, a face full of acne, and not one of them with a biceps measurement of over 12". They have bought heartily into the "Muscle and Fitness dream". Each and every one of them believing they are just a tub of Cell-tech
away from being a top 6 Olympia contender! I can see you looking down your noses on them already from behind your screens! Don't judge, we all got duped by the Weiders at some point in our young lives! Oh, well, they gave us Arnold.... forgiven.
Identifying quote: "My parents give me $10 a week, can I look like him for that amount? (points to a poster of a shredded 300lb Ronnie Coleman on the wall) I'm secretly thinking, “Yeah, if only HGH, test and slin were available for $10 a week.”
So, there you go, chapter one of the cast from "Supplement store sit-com". I'm sure you can relate to at least one of those characters. So the next time you're browsing through the BSN, Labrada or Nutrisport (if you’re cheap as fuck) looking for a way to smash through your latest training plateau. Take the time out to acknowledge the guys behind the counter, because they’re probably judging the fuck out of you! ;)
With you in Spirit!
CRAY
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