or in this case, something has to change - and it has to change now.
When I started this blog I really thought it was a step in the right direction....which it is....but it has not been as immediate as I expected. I don't mean to imply that I thought I'd write an entry and be cured - um, no - but I did think once I got it out I'd start the healing process. In reality, it only ripped open the wound further, and I think the anxiety of being so honest gave me a very vulnerable feeling...A feeling I do not deal with too well. I've alway had this issue of wanting to be "perfect" and seeming above temptation - above things that make others fall...
and I could not be any further from this.
so I was examining that quote from King of the Hill and I thought, ok, let's think about why this resonates so deeply....and it's simple: I've always felt lonely. I was supposed to be a twin (yes, there were supposed to be two of me!) but that did not come to fruition. My mom suffered at least two miscarriages after me so there I was, an only child. I didn't care much but it left me alone a lot. I didn't grow up around kids my age and only saw them at school or at the figure skating rink...fast forward through the hell years of middle school where I was relentlessly teased for being fat and we get to high school. I was still made fun of for being overweight but not like I was before. I was highly involved in after school activities and athletics but still, I felt alone. In the longrun (on up until this very moment) I've built a pretty successful wall around me with very few knowing the real me, and as a result a lot of people will say things to my face that they think I can take, but n reality it strikes me to the core. So combine that with a tendency to not always be the most stable in the brain chemistry dept and I tend to fold when no one is looking.
Oh, but look! What's always there for me... what never goes away... what always makes me
feel better.....
food.
In a future blog I will discuss the purge side to this, but for now I am looking at the binge part. This weekend has been very up and down, but for some reason tonight I had a new sense of duty; an awakening if you will - that this is my chance to be a role model and to help others see that this IS something they can battle through and manage successfully. I want it b/c it's time I realize I'm worth treating myself with pride and respect. My body is starting to show the wear and tear of the abuse, and this needs to stop and it needs to stop now...
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