Confessions of a "Skinny Little Fitness Bitch"
Confession one: I had someone ca
ll me a skinny little fitness bitch recently and I cracked up. Seriously. A full-on belly laugh. I don't think that was the intended reaction. I think I was supposed to be insulted or hurt but,ahhh, if they only knew. You see, I used to be quite overweight – the laziest, least athletic couch potato in the history of the world.
Break a sweat? Not unless it was 100 degrees out and I couldn't find an air conditioned room to sit my sweat pants-covered ass. Yes, sweat pants in 100 degree heat. What? I certainly wasn't about to wear shorts and *gasp* risk having someone see lumpy, bumpy, cellulite covered tree trunks that had been my legs, now was I? If I kept them covered, no one could see how bad they were. At least that was my rationale at the time.
Run? HA! Not unless someone was chasing me with a gun. Even then, I first would have had to weigh the pros and cons of having to actually engage in exercise in order to outrun certain death and I likely would have opted for the gun man.
Lift heavy things? Oh hellllls no. Not unless it was to lift my Volkswagen-sized ass off the couch long enough to go to the fridge. Okay, well, I wasn't that big, but you get the idea.
The irony of the ex-fat couch potato who was likely once judged as gross and lazy for being overweight now being judged and hated for being looked upon as what most people want to be was not lost on me. I've learned a LOT in the last few years and one of them is that no matter who you are, what you do or what you look like, there are you going to be people who don't like it. You absolutely cannot please everyone, so don't even bother trying – just do you.
I started putting weight on in my early 20's and by the time I was in my early 30's I was about 50lbs. overweight. I could blame the extra pounds on pregnancy or a hundred other things, but it was just from a combination of simply relying on quick and easy comfort foods, not caring and not even really knowing any better. Back then, I was the one eating the "fat free" candy thinking I could lose weight because it was, after all, fat free. *eye roll*
It wasn't until I made the decision to lose the weight that I realized how much a part of my life food really was. It was my comfort, the friend who never let me down, my coping mechanism, my relief from boredom, my happiness drug, my best expression of self loathing, and yup, even self destruction. You name it; I used food for it. But I didn't even know those things until I began trying to change.
Anyway, that fitness bitch comment came from an article I wrote not that long ago that created quite a stir – leave it to me and my big-fat-fitness-bitch mouth. Many of the comments and questions I received from that article, along with a few follow-up articles I've worked on, have all left me feeling qu
ite reflective and introspective in recent weeks which is what has prompted this writing. Maybe I'm needing to cathartically purge – no pun intended given the statement that is about to follow with my next confession.
Confession two: I am bulimic.
Now, that's not to say that I'm a practicing bulimic anymore. I very much consider myself to be recovered now or at least in remission. I'm not convinced that being recovered from an eating disorder is a finite thing. Old self-destructive and disordered thoughts and habits can and sometimes do come sneaking (or flooding) back in for a number of different reasons.
Eating disorders and disordered eating habits provide a unique set of obstacles to overcome because many of the triggers are things we absolutely cannot escape everyday – food, our bodies, our relationship with ourselves, external stress, negative emotions, certain people in our lives.
Even with weeks, months or years of recovery, many people report always having rough days of fighting to maintain abstinence or of losing it entirely for a period of time and I'm no different. Recovery is a LONG process. LOOONG.And HAAARD. And continued recovery is no different.
I attribute my recovery to the fact that I'm ridiculously stubborn and refuse to ever give up or be beaten. At least not for long. Since I started trying to lose the weight, I have had goals. My goals were to build a lean, strong and healthy body and a successful career doing what I'm most passionate about. A complete contradiction to all of that; bulimia prompts fat gain, muscle wasting, and a level of self-loathing that makes it difficult to even function some days, never mind have the ability to even think about building a career. Luckily I'm intelligent, good at what I do and know enough to really understand why it's so destructive to my goals. That helped my recovery a lot!
I did the therapy
. I even did a hospital stay. I wish I could say they helped me. Maybe they do for other people, and I was determined they would as I continued therapy for years. But truly the only thing that helps me are focusing on my goals and the image I have of the woman that I want to become. I refused to ever let go of that, or to give up on her.
She is strong, emotionally and physically. She loves herself and knows her worth. She is lean. Active.Powerful.Determined.Confident.Fearless.Independent.Beautiful, inside and out.Happy.Healthy.Inspiring… among other things.
Most of those things are impossible for a bulimic. I've frequently referred to my ED as "The Monster". Eating disorders really are like having this huge self-destructive monster inside you. One that takes over all your rational thoughts, actions, and goals and leaves you with nothing but the overwhelming and uncontrollable need to soothe the beast and a 'this-is-ridiculous-and-I-know-better-so-why-am-I-doing-this' feeling of being helpless to fight against it. They leave you feeling worthless – helpless, hopeless, trapped, depressed, weak, shameful, ugly, and a whole host of other negative things that I do not wish to allow in my life. So every day, I kept fighting it.
When I wake up I have two choices. I can "fake it till I make it" and give the woman I know is in there a chance to shine or I can allow "The Monster" to beat her. I can choose to wallow in self-loathing, self-destructive behaviors or I can eat with the purpose of being kind to myself.
Every food choice we all make is just that – a choice. Eating disorder or not. I choose to eat well because I am deserving of being healthy. I choose to eat well to care for my body, preserve it, nourish it, strengthen it, love it and even transform it.
Listen...
NOBODY gets how hard it is to stay on a healthy eating plan better than a bulimic.
NOBODY gets how hard it is to go cold turkey on all your favorites and start eating things you've never eaten before in ways you've never eaten before better than a bulimic.
NOBODY gets how hard it is to focus on what you ultimately want most (lose weight, toned legs, a lifted booty, or whatever) and put off instant gratification in the face of temptation better than a bulimic.
NOBODY gets how hard it is to make better choices for the sake of being good to your body, for your health and happiness better than a bulimic.
NOBODY gets how hard it is to stop being self-destructive with food better than a bulimic.
NOBODY gets how hard it is to break "habits" of nighttime snacking or "boredom" eating or "comfort foods" better than a bulimic.
I get so frustrated when I listen to people talk about their failed diets or when I have clients quit in the first weeks or months because it's hard. You know what? God damn right it's hard! NOBODY knows that better than a recovering bulimic. It's the hardest thing many of us will ever do, eating disorder or not. I wish I had a dollar for every day that I fought like hell to not give up entirely and just let myself get fat again, even when I'm not practicing. I STILL have days that I feel like that would be easier.But then I think about the image I have of the woman I want to become. I've fought HARD for her the last few years and she's getting CLOSE. I just will not give up on her.
And you know what is even 
harder than changing your lifestyle and your body? Living in a body you can't stand and hating yourself for it is HARD. While we all know intellectually that we are worth more than how we look; the reality is, way too many women have negative body images and allow it to affect how they feel about themselves as a person. Avoiding social situations because we're embarrassed by how we look is HARD. Living in a body that we feel is betraying us when we can't easily do simple acts of daily life is HARD. Not being able to run and play and be active with our young children is HARD.
Living with eating disorders is HARD. Living with chronic and preventable disease from feeding our bodies with the wrong things is HARD. Growing old, weak, frail and immobile long before our time from lack of exercise is HARD. And frankly, on top of all those things that are hard, I think not modeling a healthy lifestyle for our kids is just plain wrong. How are they going to learn to do better than we do if we don't teach them better? Theylearn what they live and that goes for negative body images as much as it goes for eating habits.
I think about all the people who start a new diet every day only to quit within a week because it's hard and I thank God every day that I haven't ever quit. I think about the hundreds of messages that I received after my "Real Women" article came out from women of all shapes and sizes thanking me for motivating them to change and I wonder if they're well on their way or if they've already given up because it was hard. I think about the millions of people trying to find the magic pill or quick fix or THE magic diet plan that will allow them to continue eating the things they love (that made them overweight in the first place) and never really changing because it's too hard. I think about those people because I was one. But you see, I'm really not particularly special.
I know many look at me or other "skinny little fitness bitches" and think they could never do it because it's just so much easier for us. They look at the way we eat or train as being crazy or obsessive. People look at their trainers as expecting too much or not understanding when we try to make them change everything about the things they're doing.
"I can't eat that many times a day!" they complain.
"I can't eat first thing in the morning!"
"But I'm just not hungry, I don't even want to eat!"
"I don't have that kind of time!"
...etc.
Those are frequently the people who are overweight or have been gaining weight...the ones who are like I was and the things they're complaining about not wanting to change are usually a big part of the problem. Listen, just because it's different from what you and everyone around you is used to doing doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong or obsessive or something you too can't learn to love if you give it enough time.
Let me tell you my own experience has been plagued with setbacks and tears and self-doubt and more pain and failures than I care to think about. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm certainly not the only one who would express it being just as difficult. It has also – without a doubt – been something I have never regretted for a second. It has been SO worth every second of struggle and every failure and, yes, even the eating disorder because it has taught me SO much.
I'm not perfect. I've gone through hell. I still do some days. But I NEVER give up. And I'm getting better – every day, every month, every year. I get a little better. I get a little stronger. I get more determined. It gets a little easier. I get closer to being the person I want to be.
I've lived the average American lifestyle. I've lived the eating disorder life. I've lived the fitness bitch life. I can tell you with certainty that NONE of them are easy but only one of them comes with the most amazing rewards and benefits you can imagine. I honestly believe the difference between "skinny little fitness bitches" and those who are critical of the lifestyle or who complain they could never live it isn't that it's easier for us. We just know that eating disorders, yo-yo dieting and the average American lifestyle WILL perpetuate muscle wasting, fat gain, and the overall decline, breakdown and destruction of our bodies and we choose not to allow that for ourselves, no matter how hard it is.
If you're the one avoiding family photos or hiding under layers of clothes or avoiding social situations because you're ashamed, if it MATTERS to you; I'm here to tell you that you CAN change. Start 'faking it till you make it' and live like the person you want to become or for the body you want. Stop making excuses for why you can't do it or why it won't work for you or your life.
Figure out how to make it work like the rest of us do and then just do it. Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day, the same 7 days a week and I guarantee you that no matter HOW busy you think you are or how hard you think it is to eat right, someone else is busier and struggling harder but still finding a way to make it work for them and I promise...if they (I) can do it, so can you! And please...do it because you love your body, not because you hate it. You deserve it and you'll be SO glad you did!
Roni Davis
Nationally Qualified NPC Figure Competitor
Personal Trainer
Nutrition Consultant
Online Coach
https://www.facebook.com/RoniDavisFigureAthlete
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