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Published on Wednesday, 19 September 2012 19:04
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Written by Tina Goinarov
MIRROR MIRROR ON THE...@#$#, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY BODY?How My Body Image and Perception of Myself Became Altered After Competing.
How many women do you know, and yourself included that loves and accepts every little part of their body? Thought so. Maybe a handful are truly content and accepting of what they have. However, for the majority of women, the daily fight with the mirror and mind seems to take over a good part of the day. Is that your own fault? Nope. Unfortunately, like many things, history has a way of dictating what is deemed acceptable and ideal especially when it comes to women. Over the ages, the look of the ideal woman has morphed from full figured to stick like. And why is that? Why is it deemed appropriate and acceptable to look like that? How is it that most likely, a man made that rule? Not to say that every man thinks that way, but for the majority of men and society as a whole, it happens like that.
It is funny how we are told from a young age on that we are all different and special. To be proud of who we are and what we look like. That is all fine and dandy, but what if I hear and see other wise? From the toys that we played with as children to the television shows and movies, there was a 'look' that the female character or toy had to reflect. So right there, if we were not doe eyed, with a button nose, pale clear skin and lush locks we did not reflect what was seen as ideal and beautiful. Then as females grow up and enter adolescents and their early 20s, media plays another 
large role in what is deemed the ideal look and body. It makes you wonder how society can tell us to accept yourself, and then at the same time show what is acceptable.
Over the years, I find that females are struggling a lot more with body image and weight issues, as well as self acceptance. And how can they not be? There are so many more avenues which project perfect in our faces, all while forgetting to tell us about photoshop and other tricks to manipulate the way one looks. Eating disorders and suicide have risen among the youth because they feel that they do not belong. It has even gotten to the point that children under the age of 10 are realizing that if I am not skinny or pretty I have to go on a diet and do something about my looks. I am sure that many females that are in my age range, still struggle with body image. After women have babies there is the pressure to lose the baby weight and fast, for summer there is the bathing suit drama and when with the opposite sex, well of course, we females want to make sure that we look magazine perfect so that they select us, or keep us.
These body image issues and seeing ourselves as acceptable I am afraid does not skip over or avoid female athletes, especially those in the fitness modeling and competition industry. This I think might even be worse than just regular societal pressures. Now you are among your peers and fellow competitors, wearing next to nothing and you are selected as the best based on what you look like. Tell me that will not mess with your head? Also, as a female athlete, depending what discipline you choose or sport will have an impact on how others view you and you in turn view yourself.
"Thick, tick, healthy, big boned, larger framed, and big" are some of the words I would hear from others to describe me and my size. Not exactly the ones that all of the women's magazines throw out on their cover as what females should aspire 
to look like. But why are those words so negative and when did they become words no female wants to hear in a description of themselves?
Being a female in today's society is not easy. All of the stereotypes, images and media pressures to be a certain way. Food issues, clothes, shape, weight, appearance issues etc. all amount to the increasing stresses that females face on a daily basis. Now image having to deal with the everyday stereotypes and then adding the extra pressure of being a female athlete in a traditionally male dominated sport. Oh yeah, and the minor detail of transforming your body so it is a tight, slightly larger frame and as muscular as can be. Not looking or sounding to ideal is it?
No matter who you talk to or how old, women are always struggling with how they measure up to each other and the unrealistic expectations that society has put on them. Talk about pressure. I know that from a very young age I noticed that I did not fit "that" look. No magazine featured anyone that looked like me or close to me - I was big, maybe even huge to their standards and then choosing to compete in bodybuilding did not help me along the way. I have talked about it before, and made it clear to others and maybe even to myself that I was never a girl with a small frame or "typical" weight wise. Never could do the trends in clothing because it would not fit right and I always felt that my body and I were not good enough for how society wanted to see me. I mean I will be honest here (so help me), but I weigh 170lbs and I stand 5'7". Put me to the BMI, and I am obese, look at me and I can fool you with what i weigh. Most people believe that I am 145-150lbs! I laugh at that because in my profile picture on my facebook page, that is what I weighed there. But I tell you, saying those numbers is hard, because as a female that is a large number and many, especially society have negative views on weight being that high. Most of the time I deal with it, to a point; however, I am still a female who does get affected by the images out there and what people say or how they react. But I am trying, slowly, to accept that this is me. Training with a bunch of guys, some who do compete in bodybuilding and competing in bodybuilding myself, I honestly can say has definitely had a huge outcome on how I see myself on a daily basis and how I feel about me.
For me, I seem to struggle now in my 30's more with body image and how I feel about myse
lf physically due to having competed. I mean who wouldn't? You go from an average look to this "perfect" image of a healthy body. Lean, tight, muscular...what is not to love about that? People giving you positive attention and praises because you have a six pack?!@ Come now, why is that so bad and wrong? I can tell you why, because the moment you are able to eat something that looks like real food and drink water, your body has to learn to adapt to that and until it does, it becomes this sponge that holds on to whatever you put in. I put on easily 20 lbs post show because i drank water again and I had carbs, fats and sugars. I will admit that the night of my show, I ATE and enjoyed it (going in), but the feeling of guilt and the way my body looked, forever stayed in my head, as it was gross. Looking 'normal' now to me was considered being fat. I hated how my body did not want to stay show ready for longer than a few days, and how my clothes felt on. No more could I just slide up shorts or pants pre-done up and still have room for another 2 arms to slide in at the waist.
How I see my body now feels like I am still stuck in the awkward days of adolescents. It is never good enough to me unless I look stage ready. What did this to me was the stage. Don't get me wrong, I love bodybuilding and competition, but I just find it so hard to come back off that high of looking 'perfect' and seeing what my body was able to do. In my head I started to believe that stage ready was a normal look that I should be able to hold daily, but the reality is, it is not. No one can survive on that diet and training routine all the time and looking that way all the time, at least for me, is not attainable. But how come I cannot let it go? Because society likes the look of thin and fit, you are judged in competition on how your body looks and more often than not clothes, guys and the lot say that this size is better because, well....just because. But there is a fine line to that too. Being muscular to a point that you still look feminine is okay, the moment you become more muscular or develop larger muscles (which happens over time with muscle maturity), you are judged again. You cannot win. So how I see myself and feel about my body is based on what I have taken in as "acceptable". Madonna was criticized about her "manly" arms one year at the Oscars (I thought that she looked amazing), Serena Williams was called large, too muscular,big and my personal favourite, manly, just because over these last few years she added on some size to her frame. So if it even happens to very public, celebrity female figures, do I just accept that this is the way people will view me and women?
I am hoping that I can get to the point where I can look at my body and all of that muscle that I have been able to put on no matter what part of the year - show or not, and appreciate that my body is able to do this. How one sees themselves starts first in the head and to accept it, but a lot of it also has to come from the outside world and the way women, the body, and what is deemed acceptable and ideal, is presented.
Maybe one day programs to build up self esteem, like the one created by DOVE will not be necessary...maybe.
